Lately I was planning a few nice things for Dani. That alone separates us.
She's upstate at college, and we miss each other dearly. I would begin working on a bit of a "story" I intend on writing for her tonight. As an alibi, I would tell her that I was spending the night out with some friends, in order to preserve the shock value of my efforts.  Another surprise she expected, but knew not what to expect, only that it would be in the mail. Today, I was at Starbucks with two friends. I called her for no other reason to hear  the sound of her voice, and to remind her of how much I care about her. Well, it wasn't long before she began to check up on my surprises, and by that I mean that she assumed the worst and disappointingly asked if I was being lazy on one account and pried on when I would work on the other.

At this point I got frustrated that I did not have her trust. Every night since she went away I would talk to her, regardless of the condition, until she felt better. It was hard on me, as every night I would have to use the phrase, "Dani, please trust me...", and near the end of the conversation, she would be sorry for not trusting me earlier into the conversation....or earlier at all for that matter. After four nights of this, I figured that she may actually start to trust me. So now, I have her making it clear that she has little faith in a project that was intended to do nothing more than make her happy, that I have no obligation to do but want to anyway.... After four nights of regretting not trusting me... How serious could those apologies have been?

After some more doubt in a later conversation, I exposed my alibi in an effort to show her how much thought I put into the affair. Her reaction allowed "Backfire" to adequately describe the result of that.... Long story short, I reached wits' end. I couldn't take anymore of my good intentions being viewed as shit. My body tensing up, chest tightening, I felt like I was carrying a house on my back... I opened myself up and babbled on for god only knows how long about how much pain everything's been putting me through. She said, in anger, that she understood my point of view, but when I asked for her help she said, "What do you want me to say?!" . She then told me that I just didn't understand, so I told her to, then, open up to me. She said, outright, no. From there on, I couldn't hear her, so she wanted to get off the phone, she couldn't speak up because her roommate was asleep. That's about when the call ended.

So now, I'm left  with this...

I plan something thoughtful for her....
......She doesn't really do things like that for me....

She tells me that she trusts me one night....
....Then it loses meaning the next day....

I opened my heart to her, and explained my feelings to her.....
.....She didn't even try to really open up, I got an outright "no"....

I always find a way to talk to her when she needs me, no matter what......
......She couldn't go for a walk, she couldn't think of a way to talk to me when I needed her, I instead got, "What do you want me to say?!".......

I helped her for four nights even when I had people around......
.....Again, I feel alone now that I need help....


I just figured, now of all times, would be when we'd be there for one another....